recentchristian

Other Christians would call it a valley … a valley???  Hah!!!!  For the past three weeks, I’ve been in nothing less than what feels like a deep, ugly sinkhole filled with thick, weighty quicksand, dragging me down and pulling me under.

After being in the quicksand for about a week, I prayed that God would give me strength to hold his hand so he could pull me out.  I’m not sure how earnest the prayer was.  I said it, the words were there.  The motivation wasn’t a heart motivation though … I said it because it was the “Christian thing to do.”  I guess this was my first encounter with not being a humble Christian and wanting to rebel against God.  This isn’t a “go big or go home” that I’m proud of at all.

I went back on Plenty of Fish (.com, a dating website), deciding that I would not go through the summer alone and that I would find a great man.  I didn’t care if he was Christian or not.  I felt an incredibly strong and compelling pull back to my old life.  I’ve been swearing and not caring, distancing myself from other Christians, and have been becoming a person I just don’t like, what others would call a “bitch.”  I haven’t wanted to go to church and have wanted to get up and walk out once there … I have persevered though.

Other Christians did tell me early on that there would be valleys – where I wouldn’t feel like reading the Bible or praying.  I heard them and thought that my “valley” time would be the summer and thought it wouldn’t be a big deal at all – I’d just read lighter books of the bible (i.e. no Old Testament).  All of my life, I have enjoyed reading non-fiction throughout the year and then switching to fiction for the summer.  Light, popcorn reads are the types of books I’ve always craved in the summer.  I thought I had it taken care of, planning the “valley” time so that it wouldn’t really affect me at all.

Being in this sinkhole, I have turned away, thinking that maybe my “soil” was full of rocks (or wasn’t deep enough for anything to take root) because I have been thinking of packing the Christian life in.

I even questioned if I was truly a Christian.  I do believe that Jesus died for all of our sins and that we are righteous before God because of this act.  I questioned myself, wondering if I truly believed this.  It’s a stretch to believe so always just figured I believed since, in my prior life, it was such a stretch to believe since it appears so incredibly far-fetched for a non-believer.

Up until yesterday at church, I hadn’t told anyone that I was turning away and questioning if the Christian life is the one for me.  When I told Jill that I was thinking of packing it in and that I had turned sideways (at least I hadn’t turned all the way around and walked away from God), she told me that others go through the same thing when in a valley.

What?  Others feel like walking away too?  I thought that people just went into a valley of not wanting to pray or read their Bible.

I remembered an evangelism seminar and the person saying that many who come to Christianity later in life turn away because they miss their old, sinful life.  So, hearing that, I knew that if anything could pull me from my new, Christian life, it would be sex and intimacy.  Guess there’s something to be said for knowing your weaknesses.

Talking about my sinkhole with Jill was just what I needed.  I eluded to the sinkhole with another friend, Danielle, and she said she would pray for me.

This morning, I woke up, realizing that Satan literally has had a foothold (hold of my feet) in the quicksand.  So, maybe it may not be that big for you to read but it was a huge “ah-ha” moment for me this morning when I realized that the prayer is simple – to as God to add water to the sinkhole so I can easily get out.

Never underestimate the power of prayer.  I know of at least two people that have been praying for me and the prayers were answered.  The quicksand felt a lot less thick this morning.  What I love the most is that God knows my prayer, he knows that when I ask him to “please add water” he knows that I want out of the sinkhole … I don’t have to say anything more.  He probably even smiled (or laughed) when I asked him to “please add water.”